By Isis Nezbeth
Isis is a first-time mother, author, and free-spirited freelancer.
If you’re dating without knowledge of your love language, you’re really doing yourself a disservice.
I’m obviously no expert in love languages, but I have at least acknowledged my own. I remember going through the questions when I was taking the online test years ago, and I didn’t really take my results seriously at the time. I honestly felt like my zodiac sign compatibility was more important than knowing my own love languages. It’s laughable now because I’ve grown, in self and in my ability to love, but back then you couldn’t get me to think there was much accuracy behind love languages. All of that to say, if you haven’t taken the love languages test, please take the time to do so.
There are 5 love languages: Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch. Here’s why you keep falling for the guys who hurt you, based on your love language.
If receiving gifts is your love language, you thrive off of gifts that come from a thoughtful, loving place. It doesn’t always mean you’re materialistic, but you love when someone makes you feel special by giving you gifts that represent things they know, love, and remember about you. For example, having your favorite flowers delivered to your job on your birthday — and here’s the real kicker — without a single reminder. You read the effort placed into the gift and the subtle details that scream, “I got this just for you.”
The reason why you fall for the wrong guy is that you may be reading the wrong message. Back when social media wasn’t as big as it is today, it was a little harder for people to know what interested you without courting and getting to know you. Nowadays, it’s not that difficult to scroll through your social media profiles to figure out things like your birthday or to find out some of your favorites. While this can be put to great use and be really romantic of the person who actually likes you, it’s also super easy for the person who just wants to get you in bed to follow that same route with the wrong intentions.
If quality time is your love language, you’re all about the moments shared. You feel most appreciated when you have your partner’s undivided attention. You are all for an experience that gives you and that special someone undistracted time to get to know each other on a deeper level. In other words, his phone and his PlayStation needs to be out of sight, out of mind.
The reason you fall for the wrong guy is that you might be confusing quality time with time spent. It’s hard to explain, but just because you’re spending time around someone doesn’t mean you’re spending time with someone. If the two of you aren’t having any groundbreaking conversations, making new memories, or getting to know the ins and outs of one another, you’re really just spending time — there’s nothing “quality” about it. That’s where the confusion steps in. Spending time with someone who can’t tell you anything about you, cancels plans, inactively listens, and who is constantly distracted are all signs that scream he’s not the right guy for you.
Acts Of Service
If your love language is acts of service, you are moved by someone who does things to ease your load. That could mean a guy who takes out the trash for you when he comes over or it could be a guy who gives you a full-body massage when he knows you’ve had a long day. Either way, you’re here for the guy who wants to help you out of the kindness of his heart.
The reason you fall for the wrong guy is that you might be accepting acts of service that he feels forced to do as acts of service that he actually wants to do. So, let me explain. When you’re with someone who takes out the trash because he doesn’t want to hear you bitch about the fact that he hasn’t, that isn’t the same thing as a guy who takes out the trash because he doesn’t want you to have to do it. Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with letting your partner know that you would like help in certain areas, but when you feel like they are truly bothered by doing tasks for you, that is a major red flag that says you’re with the wrong guy.
Words of Affirmation
If words of affirmation are your love language, words mean the world to you. When your partner takes the time out to tell you that he loves you or that he is proud of you, you are then filled with a confidence that could literally rule the world.
The reason you fall for the wrong guy is that you can cling on to what’s said to you and you forget to make sure action follows. Insults and harmful words that are often said in anger have a tendency to break you down even more than it would for most of the other love languages as well. If you’re with someone who tears you down in every argument or says they love you, but never shows it, it’s time to split. You’re definitely falling for the wrong guy.
If physical touch is your love language, it doesn’t mean that sex is your love language. It means that you value the warmth and affection shown in the physical touch shared between you and the person you care about. A warm embrace in your time of need, a pat on the back when you’ve accomplished something, or even a smack on the butt when he wants to remind you of how sexy he thinks you are, are all much more than a small gesture to you.
The reason you fall for the wrong guy is that, unfortunately, you might be mistaking things like good sex or a strong hug for strong physical touch. While things like neglect and no physical contact at all are sure to raise your antennas, it’s important to make sure that you feel the energy of the physical touch between you and the person you care about. Emotionless physical touch happens on a daily, so if you find that you’re with someone whose physical presence comes with no connection or good energy, you’re probably with the wrong guy.