By Isis Nezbeth
Isis is a first-time mother, author, and free-spirited freelancer.
“How many times do I have to kiss a frog before one of them turns into Prince Charming?”
I hear you loud and clear, girl. I’m tired too.
If you’re anything like me you’re pretty good at reading people, but you manage to look past the red flags you see in people you like. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, as we are certainly not alone on this, but it’s definitely something we can work a little harder at changing in the new year. Nevertheless, if we ever want to find the one we’ve got to keep our eyes peeled and pay attention to detail, so we can stop wasting so much time with the wrong men. We don’t often admit it, but there are sure as hell signs that scream “don’t do it” before we get too deeply involved; we’ve just got to make the effort to see it. These are 10 deal breakers that prove he’s not the one.
- He lacks trust. This should always be one of your top deal breakers, sis. Without trust, there’s nothing. Literally. Unfortunately, the lack of trust he has for you usually comes from personal insecurities he’s dealing with within himself. It could also be a result of something a previous girlfriend did to him or vice versa. Nevertheless, it is one of the most damaging and difficult things to deal with in a relationship—especially when you haven’t even given them a reason not to trust you. Ultimately, you can’t build a lasting relationship with someone who doesn’t trust you.
- He lacks ambition. I literally cannot imagine how hard it must be to spend your life with someone who doesn’t want anything out of life. It sounds boring AF if you ask me. I want to be sympathetic, but at the same time, I can’t stand the fact that people go through life without realizing they need to, and even more importantly, deserve to live a full life with reason and purpose. If you find a beau who hasn’t quite tapped into that mindset, help him find the way girl! If you find that he isn’t interested in being ambitious about anything, do yourself the favor and move on.
- He lacks confidence. It’s a sad sight to see, but just like with lacking ambition, this could potentially be fixed. Sometimes a man just doesn’t see how great he truly is and he needs you to show him that. If you really like him, it shouldn’t be hard to point out the things about him that made you want to be with him for the long haul. Share with him the things that make him more important and special than the other guys he is worried about and reassure him that you are with him because you want to be. Some men just need to hear it. If he doesn’t bite, you may want to consider moving on because a lack of confidence could potentially bring a slew of insecurities to follow.
- He’s insecure. It’s hard to build with someone who struggles with insecurities. If he is struggling with insecurities, it’s important to try and identify the source so that you can find ways to reassure him. Although, it’s not your responsibility per se if you truly care about someone you put effort into whatever is needed for you two to grow together. That’s really the only way I see you being able to bring about a solution to this non-negotiable. If he seems reluctant and won’t accept your reassurance, get out of there.
- He only turns you on physically. If he’s ‘the one’ there should be so much more to him that turns you on than just the physical. If he can’t arouse and/or stimulate you with his mind and his personality, that is definitely not a sign that you’re with the right man, girlfriend.
- His sex game is mediocre. No, it’s not all that matters, but let’s be clear—it matters. You deserve to have mind-blowing sex with the person you want to do life with. Everything won’t be perfect, but the sex should be at least an eight on a scale of one to ten, sis. Don’t cheat yourself! Sexually compatibility is very important in a lasting relationship. If you two don’t sync sexually, your relationship might sink instead.
- He picks fights with you for little to no reason. First of all, you’re not in high school so if you’re dating someone who reminds you of being there… that’s a problem. The only benefit to a silly fight is makeup sex, but it is no longer cute or worth making up for when it becomes a regular event. When you’re with someone you care about you learn to pick and choose your battles. You definitely don’t make the decision to ruffle your partner’s feathers for shits and giggles. You need a man, not a boy.
- He doesn’t tear you down, but he doesn’t build you up either. Some people may not agree with me on this because they stay focused on the fact that he doesn’t spend his time tearing you down—which is great, don’t get me wrong–however, it’s still important to be with someone who wants to bring out the best in you. You don’t want to be with someone who is content with either one of you being stagnant. You deserve a man who desires and looks forward to building you up whenever he gets the chance to (and you should definitely be doing the same for him)!
- He constantly complains about the things that make you, you. When you find ‘the one’ it’s the quirky things about him that you learn to love. Some might argue that you end up loving him just that much more because of it. You don’t want to spend your life with someone who is annoyed by the habits and mannerisms that make you, you. No, I’m not saying he’s going to love every annoying thing you do or vice versa, but he shouldn’t spend the majority of his time complaining about the things you do that you more than likely can’t even control.
- He has life goals, but they don’t align with yours. At the end of the day, when you’ve truly found ‘the one’ the two of you should have similar life goals. You two should have clear, concise plans on how to reach those goals together. If you can’t talk about the future, and better yet, can’t plan for sharing one together… he’s definitely not ‘the one’.
Here’s to continuing on in the search, girl! We got this.